Changing of the Season

I fucking hate winter. Seriously, it's the worst of all weather punishments that God in all his lame ass infinite wisdom decided to bestow on fucking humanity. I hate the cold. I hate the fluffy white shit that falls out of the sky. I hate the wetness of my socks when I walk in it. I hate the way people drive in it and how they get so damn rude and hateful during this time of year. I hate fucking Christmas and it's black Friday sales and TV ads for this and that for us to be brainwashed into buying.


It seems like I struggle with my damn Bi Polar fucking self more this time of year than any other.


My brother, a very wise man, told me more times than I can remember that within us there lives two separate entities. One of them was considered good and one was considered bad. We seem to pay more attention to the bad one because he needs more control and guidance he would say. Thus, leaving the good one unattended. But, like unattended good children, if the good one is left alone to long, if attention is not bestowed on him, will the good one fade into darkness. If we work and focus on the bad part of ourselves so immensely does the darkness within us cover the good entity and swallow it in a dark abyss like winter does my soul? Yes, we do need both to survive this world. Yes, without the bad one the forces that we cannot see in this world would over take us and suck us into a evil, damaging, vacuum of an existence. But what if, what if we paid more attention to the good one in us. The good one in one another and leave the bad one unattended. Would that have a reverse reaction within our spirit world. Would the good spirit suck the bad one into it's light. Would the unattended evil entity become more a part of the light to get our attention?


Fuck the medication. Fuck winter. Fuck the bad entity. I'm off to explore with the good one in me tonight. The one who I will allow to guide my soul through this shitty time of year. Come on white light, let's kick some ass!

Ghetto Birds

I can totally dig that it's getting warmer. I remember as a kid when this time of year came around it was time to start planting, working the fields in the sun with my brother and dad. The hot sun beating down, but still enough breeze to cool you while working. The smell of the dirt, fresh air blowing across your face. Stopping only for lunch and at the end of the day feeling like I actually accomplished something instead of just existing that day.

Here in the city it isn't the same. It doesn't have that sense of new life like springtime brings to the country.

Instead the warmer weather seems to draw out the bad. The drug dealers, the prostitutes, murderers etc. The ugly of the city is no longer covered by snow, It isn't brought to life by Spring showers. It is like rusty tetanus infested scrap metal in the sun. Scrape metal with claws, just waiting for you to walk by, so that it can grab you and make you a part of it's ugliness. Warmer weather in the city just draws Ghetto Birds out of their hibernation. They swarm about the city chasing down their evil prey constantly. The prey that seems to come out of hibernation every April.

I think I need a trip to the country.

Soon.

Papercuts

Most of the "paperwork" at my job is done on a computer, I would say in the few years that I've worked there, when I started it was 50/50. 50% paperwork and 50% computer work. These days it is more like 99/1. 99% computer work and .....

Holy hell the other 1% seems to be taking a fucking slice out of my skin for some reason. I have come home with four, count them, four papercuts in the last week.

Seriously, I would rather have my fingers cut to the bone than have a single papercut.

On top of that, my relationship with my new girlfriend seems to be bleeding out, not that it is her fault or mine, it's just that we aren't as compatible as I thought we were. Still, walking away from yet another failure in my sex life, love life, or that "special one in my life" cuts.

I wonder if I am subconsciously getting these physical papercuts to deal with the emotional blood letting that I am, and never have been good at handling.

I need to tell her that I am no longer interested. I need to end it.

I need to quit doing paperwork.

Dancing

There are several dances we do in life. I think the greatest dance we have the opportunity to tango to is the dance of love. It stirs every single emotion inside us.

Think about it. If you love someone, or even something, when you look at it, touch it or interact with it in anyway, it will, without a doubt stir a emotion in you. It can range from anger, jealousy, happiness, to alas that thing we call love.

It is the one thing that touches every part of you. Emotionally, physically, mentally, you name it you will be touched by it.

It is the one emotion that regardless who you are, saint or monster, that every human being seeks to find. The one dance that we all want to step onto the floor and do.

It is also, the most terrifying dance of our lives. The one that we fear the most.

Once again, I have met a new partner to try this dance out with. It scares the hell out of me. Learning to feel safe and loved with another human being. Knowing that she is the one person who can do that, BUT, at the same time, can be the one person I can feel unsafe and unloved with. This could be of my own doing, which in the past has been the case, or it just could be that she may find she doesn't want to dance anymore with the same partner.

I will face this fear. I do not want this to be the dance I miss out on or regret dancing to.

Here I go, holding my breath and taking the first step ...

Crossing the River

When I pass from this earth, I firmly believe I will cross one river or another. May be sooner or later. But still, there will be waters to cross and tolls will need to be paid in full.

Will it be the river Styx. Will Charon be waiting for me. Will the toll be paid in full with all the evil and bad karma that I spin in this world when I am alive?

Will it be the Humbling River. An Angel of God waiting on the ferry to carry me toward the light. The toll paid in full by all the good deeds that I spin in this world?

Who dictates what the price of the toll is for either ferry. Is it the religious right. The evil and dark left. Who sets in motion the path I take to the river. It is me as a young man, struggling with right vs wrong in my own heart. Or will it be when I am middle aged, thinking I have it all figured out, and doing my best to set my life straight. Or will it be when I am in the winter of my life, and seeing the bank of the river that I will soon be carried across?

What if I never get the chance to make it to the winter of my life? Will I get yet, another chance on this earth to change my river ticket? Who says that I only get one shot. Who says that if I fuck it up that I have no other choice but to ride with Charon.

I bet my ticket on the river that this traveling contract is between me and my Higher Power. Not between YOU, me and YOUR Higher Power. I'm thinking there are a LOT of people that need to manage their own trip, rather than focusing so damn much on mine.

Now, I'm off to explore the river banks.

Does Not Play Well With Others (Sometimes)

I'm pretty lucky when it comes to my work life. I get to spend a majority of my day alone, with my silent customers, listening to my IPod while working.

To say the least, my job does NOT require me to be a social person at all.

Don't get me wrong. When I'm at work, I do my best to be friendly to everyone I meet. There are a few there that I avoid spending time with at all costs, but overall I enjoy my co-workers. Hell, I've even been known to stand outside in the parking lot for an hour after work, smoking and chatting with some of them.

But all of that changes once I get home. I turn into a hermit. I'm off in my own little world, doing my own little things and I don't want to see or talk to anyone.

I have friends and co-workers that know where I live. Once in awhile they will stop by to say hello. I always welcome them and do my best to make the visit a positive interaction.

But it's strange having other people in my house. I've grown increasingly uncomfortable with people in my house.

I wonder now and then if I should talk to somebody about that or if it's natural.

Death Can't Extinguish Evil

The way that I earn my money isn't for everyone. Everyday I work with the dead. I have found that they are easier to deal with then the living. It's my nitch you could say. Something that I am good at. The only job that I've ever been able to hang on to.

One of my side jobs is driving a hearse for some local funeral homes. It's usually a pretty good gig. One that is pretty brainless. All I have to do is get behind the wheel, drive the hearse to a church, sit there and wait for someone else to carry the passenger to the car. Hell, I don't even have to get out of the car if I don't feel like it.

Once in the car, it's just me and the silent passenger. I don't have to entertain them, fight over what radio station to listen to, offer them a smoke, ask them if they need to stop for anything, or listen to them chattering away. It's just a quiet ride to their bodies final destination.

An easy dollar to be made.

That was until last week. I was sitting outside a local church waiting for the body to be brought out to the car. Out of nowhere I heard what I thought was the backfire of a car. It wasn't until I saw a hole form in the side of the car I was sitting in that I realized I was being shot at. I looked toward the sound of the bang and there it was, a car with three men in it who were actually shooting at a church and a hearse.

Turns out the silent passenger I was waiting for had been killed in a gang shooting. 20 year old dude. I guess the ass hats that shot him weren't to sure he was dead.

Then the situation became even more interesting. Some of the men hauling the silent passenger, pulled out guns of their own and started shooting back.

All I could do was lay as flat as I could and pray to God I didn't become the next silent passenger going for a ride with some guy like me, looking for an easy buck.

As I laid there, time seemed to stand still, move in slow motion. I looked around and saw elderly people, little kids, and the preacher. In the middle of all of them there were men with guns just shooting at each other. On a church lawn, in the middle of the afternoon. Seemed so unreal.

All I could think of was, damn, even death can't extinguish evil.